Sometimes I Feel Like a Blockhead

This will be one of those blog posts that I hope no one reads, but most people I know will. Usually how it happens when I talk about something that is hard for me to put into words.

No matter how I state it, it will sound as if I’m ungrateful or whining, which really it isn’t meant to be, but I can totally understand that thought process.

I’m jealous of the friendships people have, and wish that I had those kinds of relationships with my friends.

Growing up, my family moved around a lot. I would make friends, and then within a year or two, we’d move and I’d have to do it all over again. When my father died, and my mother told me we were moving back to Missouri, it broke my heart.

You see, we were living in Visalia, California, and had been for 4 whole years. It was by far the longest we had lived anywhere by 2 full years. I had two really great friends. John and Nate. I even remember giving John a present after 3 years, and telling his mom it was to celebrate how long we had been friends. It was a cool Michigan Wolverines hat that I had gotten from the gas station down the street from my house. Didn’t follow the school but the hat was really cool. He didn’t understand it, but I didn’t care.

So when we moved back to Missouri, I knew I’d start the whole cycle over again. This time though, wasn’t until High School that I found friends that I clicked with. Unfortunately, they were all a year or two older, and by the time I had graduated, they were off to college, or starting families and moving on.

I have couple really awesome people in my life that I consider my best friends, and amazing people. They have meant a lot to me in my life and have done things for me and my family that I’d never forget or be able to repay. So that’s why writing this seems unfair to them. But, at the same time it’s not about them or the relationships I have with them.

I watch people I know who have had the same friends since elementary school and who have shared full life experiences with. Everyone I’ve ever friended has been in spurts and small chunks of time. People who are so close that all of their interests are the same and they can talk to each other about ANYTHING.

My family watches a couple guys on YouTube named Rhett and Link (Hello fellow Mythical Beasts!). These are two longtime friends who looked at each other and said.. “HEY! LET’S MAKE A YOUTUBE CHANNEL AND JUST HAVE FUN!” I envy that. I feel like there is no one in my life I can just call and say something like that to, and they’d just be down to just kick back and do something that we are BOTH really in to

.

I know a lot of this is a product of growing up, and having families. Planning things, and fitting shit into nice organizational schedules. And I know this all sounds like a, “grow up and stop complaining about what you don’t have and appreciate what you do” thing, and you’re right. But it doesn’t change the fact that deep inside, it’s one of those things I’ll always want, and never have.

Mine.

It’s been 13 years since our first date. We called it our “practice date” for the real thing on the following night. But who am I kidding, it was real. Monica and I had talked for years online via chat rooms and instant messaging. I finally flew out to see here in February of 2003. Thirteen years later we go on another date, this time to a movie and lunch. She picked. We saw Deadpool, and went to Five Guys Burgers. Have I ever mentioned that I love my wife?

It’s been a long 15+ year relationship for Monica and I. There have been highs and lows like all couples face. But, a large majority of our lows were a product of trying to have a relationship with several thousand miles between us. Since living under the same roof, I can’t probably count on 1 hand the serious fights, and problems we’ve had to deal with relationship wise. Maybe a couple fingers on that second hand might be needed, but not many.

We’ve been blessed to see each other at our absolute highest of points in our lives. We’ve also been near each other’s sides for our lowest of lows. I don’t mean to brag, but I feel like at times I am in the most perfect relationship any one person can hope to have. She is, without a doubt, my perfect match. I’d like to hope I’m the same for her, but I won’t put words in her mouth. But anyone who has known us as a couple long enough, knows how she feels about me.

Honestly it’s quiet scary. I know she gushes over me. I feel her stare at me, lost in her daydreams. I can’t feel it exactly, but I know she’s constantly watching everything I do, and worried about every step, and scrutinizing every expression on my face. She’s worried about me. She always has been. She knows more about me than any one person. It’s hard to explain why it’s scary to be loved that ferociously, but.. it’s a good thing.

In two months, we’ll have been married 10 years. Oh my God. It doesn’t feel a day over 3 or 4. Yet…. So much has happened to us. So much has shaped us into the people we are now. Two growing, amazing, smart, handsome young boys have given our lives so much meaning. We’d be nothing without them. Every good time is a joy, and every bad time is… is… God, so infuriating on multiple levels. Don’t know how I ever lived a day without it in my life.

As hard as it’s been, and through everything we’ve gone through, I can say I love my life. Mostly because of her. Mostly because of Monica. The woman who saved me. The woman who holds me up on s pedestal that I don’t deserve. The woman who thankfully, raises our two great kids into the amazing men that I know they will be. My wife is complete because she’s in it.

I love you Monica.