I remember when Christmas changed for me. It was 1992 while living in Visalia, California. My parents had been separated off and on through the year, and I had my first interaction with death, as both of my father’s parents had died, Pa in February, and Granny in mid-December. The latter, as would be expected, would start the chain reaction that would eventually lead me to today.
My father would die of lung cancer almost ten days shy of one year since his mother’s death, in December of 1993. I would spend that Christmas in Kansas City, surrounded by people I wasn’t that familiar with. I spent most of the time reading an R.L. Stein book (no, not Goosebumps), and ignoring everyone around me. Apart from visiting once, in the late 80’s, it was only the second time I had partaken in the yearly Christmas Party at my Grandmother’s house (My Mom’s side of the family).
We moved back to KC later in the spring of 1994. I was then thrust head on into the yearly get together at Christmas, and after about two years or so, Christmas was starting to feel somewhat enjoyable again. The drive to my Grandma’s house every Christmas Eve, the singing of Christmas Carol’s, the Santa Clause that the family hired to hand out gifts that were stored by the parents in a bag in the basement, and the subsequential destruction of the exchanged gifts in the living room, gathered around the tree.
While the distractions of a Christmas Eve Tradition were always welcomed, my mental state as I grew older, and the seasons grew colder, would always deteriorate at a rapid pace. This was due in large part to a volatile relationship with my mother, and years of trying to cope with having my childhood turned upside down at the age of 11.
Things would eventually get worse before they ever got better, but eventually they did. When the woman who is now my wife moved to Missouri to be with me, she brought with her a love for the holidays and was always doing her best to make me see this light at the end of the tunnel. It had worked. By our third Christmas together, I was fully embracing the holiday. Unfortunately the following year would rip down the hard work she had put in.
2006 was one of the happiest, yet saddest years of my life. It was the year that I married my wife, and the year that my Grandmother passed away. As in 1992, it would forever change Christmas for me. Her house was sold, and the annual party was moved between the homes of my mother and her seven local siblings. Santa was no longer hired, the Party was moved from Christmas Eve to whenever people could find time, and there was a yearly argument over who would host the Party.
I would spend the following years trying to salvage the torn relationship that I had with my mother. A lot of high, but too many lows. Christmas was about the only time of the year where we wouldn’t fight. We would sit down and spend time with each other and laugh, and be what it used to be, all those years ago. We started a tradition of spending Christmas Eve at her house, and then coming home and spending it as a family on Christmas day. What helped in the process was the birth of my two sons, Austin and Logan. She adored them. Giving her Grandbabies presents on Christmas was one of the things that made her smile the most. I wish she had gotten more time with them, but that’s another blog post, and another set of demons.
When she died of Cancer in 2013, it was like the final thread had been snapped for me with the family Christmas tradition. My family attended the Family Christmas Dinner a week later because it would have been what she wanted. It hurt, but it had to be done. Last year was much of the same. But it was filled with a lot more pain than before. Several conversations with my own family members showed just how disconnected I was with them, and them with me. It left me feeling empty inside.
This year, with work being so hectic, and both of my sons growing at such a rapid pace, trying to plan out our entire Holiday schedule was a chore. We had booked every day and night leading up to and past Christmas. So when my Aunt let me know of this year’s party, and seeing that not only did it fall on a day we had planned things to do, it wasn’t even being held at anyone’s house, but at a rented space, I knew it was time for a change. I texted her back informing her we had plans and probably wouldn’t attend. She was not happy about this. But after a year of limited contact with the family (by both them and I) and the death of one of the few people I had a strong connection with in my uncle, I had decided to move forward.
My kids are growing up so fast that it scares me. My oldest is reaching the age I was when all of this started for me, and I feel my own mortality slipping away. It’s the start of new traditions for us. Things that they will hopefully pass on to their kids, and so on. The decision to not attend the upcoming party is not easy, and it hurts. But the important decisions we make in life aren’t the easy ones, it’s the ones that leave us awake for hours at night. Maybe next year or the year after that, we can stop by on Christmas for the yearly, “Hi!”’s, the “How are you?!”’s and “Oh My God, You’ve gotten so big!”’s. And in between then, maybe we can all find a little more time to see eachother, other than big events. But right now, in this moment, I’m looking forward to making a Gingerbread House with my kids this weekend, and finishing up some last minute prep for what will hopefully be the start of some great, HAPPY, Christmas traditions.
Friday, December 18, 2015
Saturday, September 5, 2015
So I wait and I try; I confess all my crimes
Busy, busy, busy. This has been my life for the last 3 months. Between work, home, and personal projects, I’m wearing thin. The bad part is that the second I start removing things from my plate, my mind starts to wonder and then it’s just better to over-occupy myself.
Personal Life
Not sure if I’ve said it on the blog yet or not, but it needs to be repeated even if I have. People? Get a will! Several things have taken place since my mother died, that would have been easily handled had she just made a damn will. Alas she didn’t, and the personal front is overly frustrating. Mostly money wise. By the way, if anyone knows where one can get a Medallion Signature, hit me up in the comments. The dream of owning a home seems to slip further away every day. Money that was ear marked for a home has quickly become money used just to pay bills.
Other than that, getting to spend every day of my life with my best friends and two amazing little boys, is about the only thing that allows me to get up every morning and go to work. Currently prepping for my youngest to turn 3 tomorrow, and while we admittedly are scraping by to give him a great birthday, it’s the less rushed feeling Birthday party I feel we’ve had. It’s an odd feeling. But that’s me, I’m sure Monica is freaking out as always. Our newly minted 3rd grader is growing up so fast, and while I feel we all play tug of war too much, he has been an amazing help with his brother.
Work
At a breaking point. I’ll leave it at that. There is a huge cliff in front of me, and I am not 100% sure if I’ll jump or end up pushing someone off.
Personal Projects.
I’m starting up a new blog for Monica. Bringing back Pizza and Cookies. She’s going to use the space to post recipes she’s working on and crafts for the kids. PLUS just talk about being a parent. I’ll hop on from time to time to get the other side of things, but it’ll be her baby.
Also starting a blog that focuses on Gaming and all the geek stuff I’m into. Tapping a couple people who want to write with me on it, but for them most part it will be an outlet for my gaming opinions and insights. Tentative name is My Geeky Site.
Twitter is a big part of my life. I’ve met a lot of awesome people. A large portion of them are fellow Kansas City Royals fans. I’ve been helping them plan a charity kickball game. I’ll also be helping them start a website devoted to Networking for events like watch parties, meet ups, and other charity functions.
Time for dinner, and then a store run to get everything that’s needed for LG’s party tomorrow. Hope everyone enjoys the 3 day weekend. Hug the people you love, and never let them go. <3
B
Personal Life
Not sure if I’ve said it on the blog yet or not, but it needs to be repeated even if I have. People? Get a will! Several things have taken place since my mother died, that would have been easily handled had she just made a damn will. Alas she didn’t, and the personal front is overly frustrating. Mostly money wise. By the way, if anyone knows where one can get a Medallion Signature, hit me up in the comments. The dream of owning a home seems to slip further away every day. Money that was ear marked for a home has quickly become money used just to pay bills.
Other than that, getting to spend every day of my life with my best friends and two amazing little boys, is about the only thing that allows me to get up every morning and go to work. Currently prepping for my youngest to turn 3 tomorrow, and while we admittedly are scraping by to give him a great birthday, it’s the less rushed feeling Birthday party I feel we’ve had. It’s an odd feeling. But that’s me, I’m sure Monica is freaking out as always. Our newly minted 3rd grader is growing up so fast, and while I feel we all play tug of war too much, he has been an amazing help with his brother.
Work
At a breaking point. I’ll leave it at that. There is a huge cliff in front of me, and I am not 100% sure if I’ll jump or end up pushing someone off.
Personal Projects.
I’m starting up a new blog for Monica. Bringing back Pizza and Cookies. She’s going to use the space to post recipes she’s working on and crafts for the kids. PLUS just talk about being a parent. I’ll hop on from time to time to get the other side of things, but it’ll be her baby.
Also starting a blog that focuses on Gaming and all the geek stuff I’m into. Tapping a couple people who want to write with me on it, but for them most part it will be an outlet for my gaming opinions and insights. Tentative name is My Geeky Site.
Twitter is a big part of my life. I’ve met a lot of awesome people. A large portion of them are fellow Kansas City Royals fans. I’ve been helping them plan a charity kickball game. I’ll also be helping them start a website devoted to Networking for events like watch parties, meet ups, and other charity functions.
Time for dinner, and then a store run to get everything that’s needed for LG’s party tomorrow. Hope everyone enjoys the 3 day weekend. Hug the people you love, and never let them go. <3
B
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Living With The Loss
I’ve lost a lot of people in my life to death. As you can imagine, the ones that were the hardest were my parents. I lost one when I was too young to fully understand, and one when I was old enough to grasp the full ramifications. I can tell you that in the end, there is no real difference. Sure the relationships developed with each one might have been different, but whether you do it fast or slow, pulling off a bandage still leaves the same unpleasant sensation on your skin. So when the pain is more than skin deep, the sensation is 100 times worse.
I attended a funeral a couple months ago for a man whom I considered a friend. One of the gentlemen tasked with talking about this man, brought up a topic that hit hard with me. It’s one that I have struggled with since my father’s death, and one that has intensified 10 fold since my mothers. He was talking to the man’s children about all the times they will encounter over the next few days, months, and in some cases years where the thoughts of things that could have been, and the arguments over what they personally could have done different. What they would or wouldn’t need to do to honor their father’s legacy. The inner voices, or as he put it, Demons, that will try and dissuade you from your current path in life. Thay will try and tear you done by thinking of all the bad things, and removing the good things from your thoughts.
Whether you are a person to qualify these types of things as Demons, or a form of a subconscious, physiological breakdown, the fact still remains; the biggest enemy one has when dealing with the loss of someone so close, is ourselves. If you get lonely, you can call your friends/family over and talk. When your start missing their voice or face, you can cue up some old photos/videos. But when you start wishing the last thing you said to them wasn’t something stupid, instead of “I Love You!”, it gets harder. When it had been a couple weeks since you last talked because you were aggravated at something they said, and now that opportunity is gone, it’s unexplainable.
My mother died the morning of December 14th, 2013. I had received a call around 10:00 pm the night before from Hospice and was informed that she was fading. December 13th is my wife’s birthday. I had been spending it with my wife and two of our best friends. I made the decision to leave and go to hospice. I sat there, awake, all night with two of my mom’s sisters. I was able to stay awake until 5 am where I fell sleep in a chair. I woke 2 hours later… kissed my mom bye, and told her I’d be back. Took my family to get laundry done, eat and then was home to take a shower and go back to Hospice. My mom died before I was done with my shower.
I tell this story, because every decision I made from the moment I left my house that night has haunted me since the day she died. Until a few months ago, the decision to leave and go home that morning is something that I had mentally and emotionally punished myself for every day. I can’t put into words, why I was able to get past this, but I did. It is possible. It gives me hope for all the other demons I battle, including the vault full I accumulated in the 10+ years following my fathers death. The point though, is that the demons, your own subconscious,,,whatever it is, can be beaten. Unfortunately I, and many others, have a long way to go in situations like this. I am just merely using it as an example of the things that someone can destroy themselves with after they lose someone.
When I meet someone dealing with loss, I tell them simple things. Rely on the ones you love the most. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Even friends you may not be that good of friends with, can be great listeners. Keeping yourself active helps but only goes so far. Having said that, reintroducing yourself to an old hobby or something you haven’t had the time for can also help. Lastly, don’t be afraid to cry.
I attended a funeral a couple months ago for a man whom I considered a friend. One of the gentlemen tasked with talking about this man, brought up a topic that hit hard with me. It’s one that I have struggled with since my father’s death, and one that has intensified 10 fold since my mothers. He was talking to the man’s children about all the times they will encounter over the next few days, months, and in some cases years where the thoughts of things that could have been, and the arguments over what they personally could have done different. What they would or wouldn’t need to do to honor their father’s legacy. The inner voices, or as he put it, Demons, that will try and dissuade you from your current path in life. Thay will try and tear you done by thinking of all the bad things, and removing the good things from your thoughts.
Whether you are a person to qualify these types of things as Demons, or a form of a subconscious, physiological breakdown, the fact still remains; the biggest enemy one has when dealing with the loss of someone so close, is ourselves. If you get lonely, you can call your friends/family over and talk. When your start missing their voice or face, you can cue up some old photos/videos. But when you start wishing the last thing you said to them wasn’t something stupid, instead of “I Love You!”, it gets harder. When it had been a couple weeks since you last talked because you were aggravated at something they said, and now that opportunity is gone, it’s unexplainable.
My mother died the morning of December 14th, 2013. I had received a call around 10:00 pm the night before from Hospice and was informed that she was fading. December 13th is my wife’s birthday. I had been spending it with my wife and two of our best friends. I made the decision to leave and go to hospice. I sat there, awake, all night with two of my mom’s sisters. I was able to stay awake until 5 am where I fell sleep in a chair. I woke 2 hours later… kissed my mom bye, and told her I’d be back. Took my family to get laundry done, eat and then was home to take a shower and go back to Hospice. My mom died before I was done with my shower.
I tell this story, because every decision I made from the moment I left my house that night has haunted me since the day she died. Until a few months ago, the decision to leave and go home that morning is something that I had mentally and emotionally punished myself for every day. I can’t put into words, why I was able to get past this, but I did. It is possible. It gives me hope for all the other demons I battle, including the vault full I accumulated in the 10+ years following my fathers death. The point though, is that the demons, your own subconscious,,,whatever it is, can be beaten. Unfortunately I, and many others, have a long way to go in situations like this. I am just merely using it as an example of the things that someone can destroy themselves with after they lose someone.
When I meet someone dealing with loss, I tell them simple things. Rely on the ones you love the most. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Even friends you may not be that good of friends with, can be great listeners. Keeping yourself active helps but only goes so far. Having said that, reintroducing yourself to an old hobby or something you haven’t had the time for can also help. Lastly, don’t be afraid to cry.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Best of Days
This past weekend has been, for a lack of a better description, my version of the American dream. Now, to be fair, I think the “American Dream” is different for everyone. It’s basically what you want out of your own life. “Believe it, achieve it!” type of thing. Thus, anyone can live it, if the try hard enough.
So what is my version of said dream, you may ask? Well, on the grand scheme of things, I am nowhere near achieving it, but this weekend, I got a taste of what I’ve always wanted. Worked hard, got some family time partaking in a fun event, spent some time doing something I am passionate about, and being a dad. Throw in a little relaxation, and not worrying about everything that surrounds the normal stress of life and there you have it.
I cut out of work early on Friday to go partake in Planet Comicon; a local comic book convention here in Kansas City. On the spur of the moment whim, the wife and I decided to yank our oldest out of the school for the second half of the day, and make it a family outing. We had lunch together, and drove downtown and took in the festivities of the geek culture that had descended on downtown KC. After a couple hours, we headed over to the Country Club Plaza, where we walked around and took in the sights and sounds of the shoppers. We made dinner together (breakfast for dinner!) and called it a night.
Saturday morning, we had breakfast together (left over dinner), and I set off back to downtown with my buddy Jeff Herr. I spent the afternoon hunting comic books, buying WAY too many pop figures, and meeting up with some more friends. On the way home that evening I picked up a nice steak dinner for the wife and I, and we hung out and talked and ate after the kids went to bed. Passed out early from the exhausting of the day.
Then, this morning, we got up and kinda lazed about the house for a couple hours. We went and got groceries for the week, and bought the youngest some new shirts. The damn kid is growing like a weed. We also got their ears lowered in preparation for spring weather. On our way back home I stopped in at work and prepped the night shift’s jobs and then we headed home. The afternoon was full of rest and relaxation. Kids playing and watching videos, me surfing the web and playing video games. Monica doing much of the same and prepping laundry.
Now I sit here, getting ready to call it a day, with the wife getting ready for bed, the kids fast asleep, and me getting mentally ready for the upcoming work week. These kind of days don’t happen often for me. So I tend to soak them in hard when they come about. I love my family, and am very lucky for all I have in my life. Right now, there is nothing to tear me down. Unfortunately, tomorrow is Monday, so check back with me in 24 hours ;o)
I’ve reworked the front page a little. I want to figure out how to successfully incorporate Flickr or some other image sharing service , so that I’m not uploading all my stuff to Wordpress.
This week will see my first Skill Set page updated. I’ll be starting with Image Recreation, as it is my bread and butter. Meaning, it’s basically what I do all day every day. So look forward to that.
So what is my version of said dream, you may ask? Well, on the grand scheme of things, I am nowhere near achieving it, but this weekend, I got a taste of what I’ve always wanted. Worked hard, got some family time partaking in a fun event, spent some time doing something I am passionate about, and being a dad. Throw in a little relaxation, and not worrying about everything that surrounds the normal stress of life and there you have it.
I cut out of work early on Friday to go partake in Planet Comicon; a local comic book convention here in Kansas City. On the spur of the moment whim, the wife and I decided to yank our oldest out of the school for the second half of the day, and make it a family outing. We had lunch together, and drove downtown and took in the festivities of the geek culture that had descended on downtown KC. After a couple hours, we headed over to the Country Club Plaza, where we walked around and took in the sights and sounds of the shoppers. We made dinner together (breakfast for dinner!) and called it a night.
Saturday morning, we had breakfast together (left over dinner), and I set off back to downtown with my buddy Jeff Herr. I spent the afternoon hunting comic books, buying WAY too many pop figures, and meeting up with some more friends. On the way home that evening I picked up a nice steak dinner for the wife and I, and we hung out and talked and ate after the kids went to bed. Passed out early from the exhausting of the day.
Then, this morning, we got up and kinda lazed about the house for a couple hours. We went and got groceries for the week, and bought the youngest some new shirts. The damn kid is growing like a weed. We also got their ears lowered in preparation for spring weather. On our way back home I stopped in at work and prepped the night shift’s jobs and then we headed home. The afternoon was full of rest and relaxation. Kids playing and watching videos, me surfing the web and playing video games. Monica doing much of the same and prepping laundry.
Now I sit here, getting ready to call it a day, with the wife getting ready for bed, the kids fast asleep, and me getting mentally ready for the upcoming work week. These kind of days don’t happen often for me. So I tend to soak them in hard when they come about. I love my family, and am very lucky for all I have in my life. Right now, there is nothing to tear me down. Unfortunately, tomorrow is Monday, so check back with me in 24 hours ;o)
-SITE UPDATE-
I’ve reworked the front page a little. I want to figure out how to successfully incorporate Flickr or some other image sharing service , so that I’m not uploading all my stuff to Wordpress.
This week will see my first Skill Set page updated. I’ll be starting with Image Recreation, as it is my bread and butter. Meaning, it’s basically what I do all day every day. So look forward to that.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Re-Format
This past year has been all over the map in terms of emotions and family change. The rest of 2015 is aligned to do the same, but with a little nudging from my direction, hopefully down much better paths.
This starts with shoring up this site and finally making it what i want. In essence, it's time I stop dicking around. So for now, please mind the dust as I clean up, rearrange, and reformat my online presence.
The front page will consist of my most recent blog post, as well as a photo stream of my most recent additions to my skill set pages. Speaking of said pages, I've changed the "Portfolio" tab, to "Skill Set". The main thought behind this isn't because i want to showcase what I've created, though it does help, but more explain what I am capable of creating, and why.
I will start posting blogs about once a week, more than likely on Sunday nights before I head off to bed. Slowly, I will pick a skill set page, and add to it. Each page will consist of a blog post delving deeper into what the specific skill is, as well as my personal history in learning it. The blog post will go live with the page, and will also be attached to the Skill Set's page. this way it can be found by anyone who goes to check each skill set. There will also be a photo stream of images that are linked to the skill set that each page is devoted to. Lastly, each page will also have the last three blog posts I've made in which that specific skill set is discussed, or a part of.
So until next Sunday, have a wonderful work week. I know, that's an oxymoron, just... give it a shot!
This starts with shoring up this site and finally making it what i want. In essence, it's time I stop dicking around. So for now, please mind the dust as I clean up, rearrange, and reformat my online presence.
The front page will consist of my most recent blog post, as well as a photo stream of my most recent additions to my skill set pages. Speaking of said pages, I've changed the "Portfolio" tab, to "Skill Set". The main thought behind this isn't because i want to showcase what I've created, though it does help, but more explain what I am capable of creating, and why.
I will start posting blogs about once a week, more than likely on Sunday nights before I head off to bed. Slowly, I will pick a skill set page, and add to it. Each page will consist of a blog post delving deeper into what the specific skill is, as well as my personal history in learning it. The blog post will go live with the page, and will also be attached to the Skill Set's page. this way it can be found by anyone who goes to check each skill set. There will also be a photo stream of images that are linked to the skill set that each page is devoted to. Lastly, each page will also have the last three blog posts I've made in which that specific skill set is discussed, or a part of.
So until next Sunday, have a wonderful work week. I know, that's an oxymoron, just... give it a shot!
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